I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!
Reflections on love and radio
December 29, 2015
Emotionally I’m awkward. I feel my muscles strain when anyone tries to hug me, I don’t like speaking about how I feel, and to be honest my chest tightens a little when I ask you how you are. But when I have a microphone in hand, headphones on head something happens. I’m all of a sudden there, in that moment, consumed by it. There is no room for social anxieties, insidious self-reflection, its like that amplified audio, a microphone picking up all the vibrating intricacies around me, brings me back, grounds me in the world, out of my own head. I feel a freedom to ask questions and a quiet to just listen. No need to interrupt, butt in, my eyes are still, and as your words transform from sound wave to audio signal I’m enthralled.
Making the documentary/soundscape piece Relation/Expectation allowed me to delve into conversations with some of my loved ones that I don’t think I would have ever gone to on an ordinary day. On an ordinary day, asking my mother about her experience in love would never ever happen. But we went there, and I could, because I was in my cacoon, and my stillness allowed her to speak fluidly, truthfully, vulnerably about the daily shoulds and coulds that she places on herself, the same shoulds and coulds I wear. “I must be more kind to myself” her words so determined and so tired of this self-destruction. And now, every time I begin to build a thought of “why aren’t I this or why aren’t I that”, I hear them.
I reflect on the reality of your flaws and mine, I hear Quinn’s voice riddled with heart as she proclaims “we watch sci-fi together” and I remember that you can’t be my everything as I can never be yours. When anxiety creeps in about you one day not being here, I try calm the fear of no control, be OK with the chaos, remember the whole of a person I am. I’m no perfected, zenned out lover of all lovers, but do hear every single one of your voices, your wisdom, the truths and the vulnerabilities you shared pop into my head as I lay alone in bed or wonder why you don’t want to come and see portraiture art with me.
We can augment our own lives through listening to the experiences, stories and the foresight of those around us, and as broadcasters we are gifted with the ability to allow these words to travel to so many others, giving reach to wisdom.
As radio makers we are solitary creatures. Sometimes I picture us like those rhythm gymnasts, making ribbon dances with our visualised sound waves, but its never that glamorous. It’s a test of the attention span as we transcribe a plethora of audio, it’s the deluge of responsibility you feel when you realise how much of you is actually in the piece – how you edit it, what you choose to keep and what goes, the constant question of “can I do these words justice?”
But just as our lives are augmented by the thoughts and meditations of those whom we interview and listen to, our radio pieces are strengthened when we collaborate, ask for help and opinions, call on the unconditional love of our radio family. As radio makers we must be supportive of each other, we must take time to listen to each other’s work, give feedback, ideas, constructive criticism, and we must not feel shy about asking for it. As emerging producers, this series paired us with a “mentor”, I hope this buddy system does not cease to exist with the achievement of emergence, whenever that arrives, but we acknowledge our humanness, the desire to be around each other, that things are just a lot easier with another and that we don’t have to do it alone. Thank you Maddy Mac for always being there with deep ears, big heart and great ideas.
I thank the CBAA for giving me the deadlines necessary to finish this monster of love, and with its completion allowing me to find that whole self again, be proud and just a little more kind to her.